wonderment

Sometimes I ask myself why I am where I am in life. So many things have happened- some good, some bad. But there is always a question of "How did I get here?".

Everyday I find myself missing my old life. The odd day the missing seems to consume me but most days it just this continuous lull of yearning. I think the simplest of my times were in South Carolina. Maybe thats why I am always trying to identify with the sweet, southern life. I always want to feel closer to my roots- to where I came from. Thus far in my life, SC is the place where I have lived the longest. Maybe not the place I know of most but its where my earliest years of learning, growing and living were spent. I have this deep wishing to be that girl, still. I remember when everyone was enthralled with me because I was that little southern girl- accent and all.

I have a firm belief that I am where I am for a reason. I haven't figured it out exactly- thats part of this journey called life. Eventually, one day when the time is right, hopefully I'll realize. Either way, I understand that I can't go back and constantly reminding myself won't ever make anything better. Where ever I end up, whatever road I walk down, I know that I am there for reason and I ALWAYS have somewhere to go back to.

Today.

Missing. Its smacks you right when you least expect it. Steals your breath away like the wind on a cold morning. One moment, its out of sight and the next, standing right in front of you.

A day filled with one simple reminder. You. Veterans Day. Five of these have you been gone. Seems truly impossible.

Most days I try to be in the real world with a happy, positive attitude. I want that. I get that the majority of the time. Mostly, I radiate that I think. In these days, these pretty moments, the image of my daddy slips away- blurry lines form. I don't remember so clearly, it doesn't cross my mind so much, I can't picture the days when  he was around. But sometimes, some days the missing just sneaks right up on me. Guilt. Clarity of who he is- sharp lines forming so that I can remember him picture perfectly. His voice so clear in my ears. The intenseness of missing in my heart.  Theres two places. But in reality, three places. Those two and then the space in between. The place where both are present, just simply there and I can recall it in just the right amount of dosage.

Its tricky to live life without a moment passing that you TRY not.to.think. To just be, without the reminders or the distractions. Most days, though, it works. I can do it. And others, its just.too.much. Too big. Beyond my realm of thinking. Those are the days where there is that needle-sharp, heart hurting, breath stealing, eye tearing, mind boggling type of missing. A missing far beyond my reach to fix. It is just simply there. A thick cloud hanging over me.

Today. Its that day. I miss you. Immensly. My heart hurts and my breathing is slow because I am trying to control it. Trying to tell myself to untwist the knot that is in my chest which feels like a forgein object. Veterans Day. Hard Day. Proud Day. Thankful Day.

To you. To the man who taught me courage and hope. To the man who gave many years of his life for his family, friends and country. To the man who represented a true American Soldier. To the man who was flawed and still amazing. To the man who left too soon. To the man who gave me so much more after he left us. To you. I. am. forever. thankful. Forever. grateful.


I. Love. You. Endlessly.

l'espoir

Shes eight. And beautiful. And brave. Girly. Loving, Loving, LOVING. Forgiving unlike anyone I know. Happy. Timid. A small little Miracle.

Shes the prettiest little thing. She inspires me. She is my baby- forever. I look into her innocent eyes and wish so badly that she'd stay young for all eternity. She will grow up one day to be the most beautiful and loving person. She'll have many friends, a wonderful husband and pretty little babies. No one will ever be good enough for her but she'll still find someone pretty darn close. She has the voice of an angel and the heart of sparkling, white gold. Her name will shine brightly one day- I promise. She'll be hurt and broken by someone, like all of us,  but she will always be full of HOPE.

To my baby sister- I love you dearly and deeply. You make me want to be better. I will forever be proud of you and grateful beyond belief for your ablility to touch my heart strings. You are the most beautyfilled person. Always, always- Sissy.

inspiration

The little things in life inspire me. Little tokens of inspiration. Of happiness. I like to drool over Anthropologie and wish that I could buy those pretty things. I dream while listening to Norah Jones. My mind slips away to different places when I look at photography blogs or search pretty littles on Google images. Quotes, quotes, quotes. Anything vintage and pink. Hazy lighting. I'm so easily inspired. So easily indulged. Wishing, dreaming and hopeful. I never want it to end. Time goes so quickly when I am inspired and then flashes away like lightening. Gone.

Inspiration, oh how I do love you. Pretty little things...you capture me.

And, as always, I am yearning for France. Forever in a day.

be true.

I haven't written in so long. I just havent had much inspiration. After last night, I do.

Who I am is so beautifully complicated and so prettily simple at the same time. Its taken so long to find who exactly I am. I thought for sure, one hundred percent that I found it in France. I was wrong in a small way but also right. Last night I saw Justin Nozuka. I will post the meaning of this SOON. What my point is that it changed who I am in a matter of hours. I had a day of pure bliss yesterday- PURE BLISS. It was so needed and so cherished.

So what I am saying is that I am me. In so many different ways. I'm different than anyone you know..TRUST ME. I have not and will never lose sight of who I am, of what I am about. I will, forever, stay true to myself. I'm girly, I love all things pretty and pink and flowery and lacey with pearls and sparklies and anything vintage. But more importantly, I am loving and deep and flowing. I see through things to the center. I'm soulful and faithful and in a weird little way, I am sure. I am sure of who I am. I refuse to let someone tear that away from me. I think that to know who you are is so important these days. So many people lose sight of who they are, what they are about, what they believe in, etc. I can't imagine that.

Lately I've been struggling. I came back from France and the toxic society got to me and pulled me out of that bliss back into negativity and unhappiness. Since then, I have been back where I started. But, yesterday really changed me again. Its so imperative to find the happiness in things- the good. Its certainly not easy and sometimes it is so exhausting that you just want to give up. It is definitely a long road to endure- I can atest to that. I know, I know- there are just so many things to be unhappy about. There are also a million and one things to be happy about. You just have to wait it out and try your hardest to find the joy in the small things. That is what did it for me.

Life will always throw us curve balls that we have to swerve away from. Sometimes, though, we might get hit in the leg or arm and it hurts but you have to just walk it off. Keep going. Find good. Find happiness. Find love. Be true to you. Don't let anyone strip you of what you have because who you are is perfect in its own way. Always stay positive. This is what I live by. This is who I am and what I am about. This is me- take it or leave it.

Wishing you nothing but bliss and love and sunny days for your life to come*

ps. I miss France every single day of my life. I will write on that soon, too.

pss. some pretties for today:

ANYTHING by justin nozuka

hush hush, harmony and freedom by henry nozuka and

strip me by natasha bedingfield

bonheur

I found this today when I was going through my blog list and it said "draft". It's old. From when I was in France and about halfway through. It speaks so many volumes though and show my vulnerability when I was there. I miss this. Its funny to look back on this now and see how I was there. So different I am now from before this experience. So very different. Happiness to you and to all....pure bliss<3


Everyday I wake up and think to myself, "REALLY?". Everyday I feel like I am living in a dream. I ask myself if its real. I know I've said this before, but truthfully.

Three months is a longtime. And in the halfway (yes, I am halfway already) I've learned so much about who I am and who others are and...just so much. But not only that, I've found true happiness. I live by happiness. Most people know that if I have a favorite word it is happiness. Well, that and inspiration along with love. Anyway, yes, happiness. And for a long time, too long, I didn't have TRUE happiness. I was happy and I was smiling but I didn't have the feeling of real, honest to God happiness in my stomach.

And then, by some chance, THIS happened to me. I came here. I lived here. I met these people. To be honest though, its a shame that it took 3 months and 8000 miles away from the people I love to find happiness. How does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't, not to you at least. But it does to me. In my head, it makes perfect sense and I can explain it justifiably. My mom, garunteed, will write something about how proud she is of me for becoming who I am while I'm here and then some other things that always make me feel good about myself. I know she will, because that is just who she is. Usually, if I were still home, it would annoy me and piss me off a little bit but because I am here, I feel happy when she does that. THAT is what I don't understand. But then again, I do. It's change. That subject is for another post though, trust me!

Back to happiness. You know, being here has just given me the utter feeling of being happy. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. Even if it has been a hard day and I'll I've done is feel a little twinge of sadness, I still feel happy at the end of the day. I forgot what true happiness felt like. It seemed so distant, I was always just content. There is a difference between the two, let me tell you.

Happiness has a tendancy to take my breath away. It often leaves me awestruck and feeling quite lucky. Usually, when I feel real happiness, it feels like NOTHING can stop me. I'm aware of everything in my life, the good and bad, and yet I am still happy. Just happy to be...be alive, be lucky, be who I am. Its important to me to know just WHO I AM. I think its important for everyone to know that.

Finding happiness isn't easy. I've heard that the pursuit of happiness isn't enjoyable and that it doesn't really get you to true happiness. I think that maybe thats true. I've been searching so long for happiness and yet I wasn't. I was far from it. I spent SO much time looking for it that I lost sight of everything else- the things that really matter. And now, here I am so far away from home and away from my family and friends but I found it. Again. I'm happy. I'm content, too. But more importantly, I.Am.Happy. I forgot how beautiful it was- this feeling. How fleeting and humbling it was. And it still shocks me, leaves me in awe. To be happy is key but to search for happiness is wrong....

So, how do you find it? I have no clue. I don't even know how I found it here. And, to be honest, who knows if it will last once I leave. I wish I knew how the real feeling of happiness was found but I don't. I just know that when you find it again, its like your soul is reawakened and you're so much more...okay with things. It seems like everyone these days are so unhappy with life and so wistful. Everyone wants more. Not me- not anymore. I'm okay with what I have because somehow, I found it again.

I wish happiness for everyone. The kind that you can feel in your gut- the kind that makes you floaty and feel beautiful. I wish that for you and your family and your friends. We all need a little more happy in our lives. I hope that you find it...soon.

faith

Quoting Grey's real quick I just want to say "at the end of the day, faith is a funny thing". In all actuality, this won't really be all about faith but more about life. In general. What a wide topic, huh?

I've had such a funny 24 hours. Well not funny in that sense, but I think you get what I mean. It has just been so....ODD. I cannot really describe it. I've had a thinking past 24 or so hours. All I've done is think. About life. About time. About faith. And how somehow, in the past 6 weeks they've all slipped away so quickly and then come right back to me, slapping me. Why does this keep happening?!

Life is so quick...so very fast. It speeds by. I know EVERYONE says it, "time flies!" but really, it does. I can't quite comprehend it. I just do not understand how on earth it is that I come September I'll be in my Senior year. I also don't get how that makes me wiggy when I've been looking so forward to it for such a longtime. But still....one last year until life really sort of starts. How its possible that I've lived in Canada for, dare I say it, almost 3 years. That my parents have been together for 3 years and my daddy has been gone for 4. That my oldest brother is TWENTY FIVE and Jon just turned 22. That Hope will be 8 and when I met her she was just going to turn 5.
I can't really grasp the fact that I am 17. How? I was just 6 years old, playing with my Aunt Heather's hair bow basket and trying to style her hair. I was only 6 just yesterday running around barefoot with Micheal all over the cul-d-sac.

Life passes us by with no warning or pause. It just keeps on going, with or without you. You either keep truckin' with it or you get freakin' lost. That is honestly what happened. I stopped for one moment to take a breath and then time slipped. Gone like wind in the middle of the night. It is so crazy how that happens. I've said this before and I try SO, so hard to live this : Don't blink, don't pause, don't stop because life comes and then it goes and you cannot change the past. Make decisions that you'll be able to live with and make them wisely. Its important to really and truly cherish every single second of every single day. Don't take things for granted because you'll look back on that and think "I wish so much...." and WHY, at the end of your life, do you want to be asking or wishing or questioning yourself?

I really just don't understand time. It rips so many things apart and it also brings things together. I always wondered how that worked because so many things in the world work like that. No one can explain it, its just the way it goes.

So, where does faith play in this? I don't really know. Faith has just been on my mind lately. I mean, I guess you just have to have faith that tomorrow WILL come and that you will be able to live your life to the fullest. That's all really ask for, right? To just be able to live life to very fullest we possibly can. Its not always easy and somedays it can seem like its not very rewarding but when the day comes for you to stand and look back on your life (hopefully a long a full one) you want to be able to say "I lived a faith filled, happy life with the people I loved. I did the things I dreamed of, I accomplished all of my goals and I never gave up on the hope of life". At least, that is what I want to be able to say. Because time...it leaves us. It goes and never returns; it only has one stop and that's the end. You don't really get a second chance to live your entire life. True, you can start new everyday but actually reliving and doing things over again - not an option.

Make your time worth while. Memorable. Fun. Spontaneous. Don't let fear stand in your way- go out and DO IT. Never hold back.

Time. Its constant and quick...hang on to it.

"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go" - grey's anatomy