au revoir

There are lots of things one learns in life from different experiences. Life lessons aren't always easy. I can say that with certainty and truly mean it. France has given me many insights and taught me many things.

Over the course of three months I think I've been both slapped across the face and blessed in ways I never even imagined possible. Which, if you think about it, it is sort of...no, very bizzare! HHow can both happen at the same time? Is that possible? Well, my dear friends, it is! Think of it like this: The saying ,"Make mistakes but learn from them". The mistakes are the slap and the learning is the blessing. Or like eating cake! You're on this super diet and you know that cake is so bad for you but it is just SO darn good! It makes sense, trust me!! Its evil (the slap) but so delicious (the blessing). I cannot believe I just related cake to a blessing...Any way, what I am saying is that I have learned so much here! I know I've said that but seriously!! The life lessons weren't always handed to me on a silver platter. Mostly they were hard to deal with and hard to accept. But you do it for the reward- the wisdom!

France has been a dream. I feel like I am truly the luckiest girl in this world. I feel like I got to do the best thing ever. And yet, its only one chapter in my life. There are so many more, so many more things to experience. But, even still, I know that 25, 50, 60 years down the road I'll still thinking, remembering and telling the stories of these three beautiful months. I found so much of me here. I learned about who I am. I even let some of me go.  Its a life changing experience, that is for sure.

I was laying in my bed the other night, unable to get to sleep. I started thinking (totally not uncommon. I am convinced my brain will be shrivled by the time I am 25 from over thinking!!) about my first few weeks here.I thought of my first day and how purley excited I was. Not even nervous just stoked! About how when I first saw Léna my first words were, "I'm so happy to see you!!!!!!!" through tears of joy and relief. In english, none the less! OOPS!  I thought about the first days of school, walkin in with tears welling up in my eyes from how overwhelming it was. About our trip to Nice and the feeling of the cool, salty air. Thought about my birthday and how truly unforgettable it was. About visiting Fontaine de Vaucluse and on the way home just barely missing death! I relived the night of Léna and I's birthday party and the day I walked through Gordes. Thought of all of the incredible concerts and villages we went to. Remembered how fun Barcelona was. I even thought of the simple times with the family, alone or tanning in the sun. And, as I was literally drifting off into sleep I thought, "I am so humbled".

Its humbling. Its altering. Its eye opening. Because of this I am forever changed. I am forever better. Its been incredible. Its been unforgettable. And even then, those two strong words don't describe the feeling I have.

When I first signed up for this I was like , " Yes, France! I can go and learn and see in France!! Dream? CHECK!" And then it became so much more. It consumed me and my every thought. I ate, slept and breathed the thought of France. I imagined and planned and thought. My life revolved around this exchange- simply put! But, this entire experience has been MORE than I ever dreamed of! I got it perfectly- honest. Even the crappy times added to its perfectity. Thats not a real word by the way. I made it up and its my word but feel free to use it! Anyway, what I am saying here is that I got more than what I askd for and dreamed for.

I owe many thanks to my parents, my french parents, Léna and God.

Though no words truly describe the way I feel deep down inside. I will say that these nine spectacular months have been the most perfect, unforgettable, life changing and happy months of my life. I'm leaving here and it is so sad, it is almost depressing but I know that I will be back again. SOON and many times after that, too. I am leaving here with a lifetime of knowledge and images and memories instilled within me. I'm also leaving with half of my heart because the other half will be here forever.

I'm blessed. I'm thankful. I'm altered.

france- je t'aime très fort. J'avais eu les mieux mois ici. T'es jolie. En plus, trop belle! Je ne pensais jamais que j'aurais une echange comme ça mais je suis très contente d'avoir la chance d'habiter ici pendant trois beaux mois. Je n'oublierai jamais et aussi je reviendrai bientôt. Merci, Merci, MERCI. Mon coeur est la toujours.

ma famille francaise- je vous aime comme vous êtes ma vraie famille. Je suis trop contente de vous avoir recontré dans ma vie. J'espère que vous vennez chez moi bientôt donc, je vais revenir bientôt en France et j'aimerais bien chez vous! Merci pour tous- franchement, c'était magnifique et incroyable et je sais que j'ai la chance! Mon amour à vous toujours! BISOUS
ps. JE SUIS TERRIBLE<3

to my family- I AM COMING BACK! I missed you but GET READY cause I am there soon! Love all so much and thank you for supporting me through this! xoxo

This is the end. This chapter end here. This page is done and it is turning now. But it is only the beginning and there are many more chapters and pages to follow. Life has only just begun for me thanks to this beautifuml experience. SEE YOU THERE!

My love forever and always...

don't cry because its over, smile because it happened*

les dernier jours

I have a post written already for the last post so I won't go into much detail here. This will just wrap up the weekend!

le samedi

Satruday we woke up and did our usual thing. It was rainy so our plans to go to Rousillon were looking slim. While Nath, Léna and I were sitting around Nath pulled out a huge umbrella. We took one look at it and were like, "We are totally doing this. We have this cool umbrella, we just HAVE to now" So off we went to get dressed and ready to venture out into the rain.

Rousillon is GORGEOUS. As you can see in the pictures, the soil is not regular old brown. NO my friends, it is like color of a beautiful sunset (or sunrise..Take your pick!) Its orange and bright red and yellow...beautiful. And odd, too. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. I was too busy snapping pictures to stop along the sides and read why its like this. It has something to do with the fact that Provence (area I live in) was under water like some millions of years ago and when it eventually wasn't, the iron and other elements rested in this place. Then, it caused a reaction and the word ochre was thrown in there...long story short: its a chemical reaction. Or at least that is what I am going to go with! You can look it up in your spare time because I think it is actually quite interesting!

So anyway, I was stunned. I kept telling Nath how odd it was and she laughed everytime. It reminded me of Arizona, though I have never been there. The gorgeous thing about it was that there were all of these warm colors and then contrasted against it were GREEEEEEN, green trees. It looked so pretty! I wanted to steal some sand but there was a patrol officer type of dude. When I picked up the sand on put it on my finger for a picture, he stared at me even though there was a sign that said you could touch it but not take it.

It rained lots and we got soaked. Our feet were freezing cold and soaking wet so after strolling through the streets for a bit after our nature walk, we decided to come back home.

That night they threw me a good bye party. Aka Repas à Départ ou Repas à Adieu. It was lots of fun to have most of the family gathered around for dinner and fun! No bowling this time but lots of laughs and drinks and food! A good time was had by all and when it came to the goodbyes I was feeling okay about it because I know I'll see them again soon.

le dimanche

We got up early and got ready for the day. Around 11 we headed to L'isle sur la Sorgue and went to the market. Its a huge market that winds through all of the streets and side streets! So many venders selling food, jewelery, accessories, housewares, etc. I didn't buy much but I picked up something for my mom and was happy about that!

After we left the market we headed homebound and ate lunch. Nath and Lio went to a friends house for lunch but the kids stayed back. I started packing (just my shoes really) and did some other things around the house. Then, Nath and Lio came home and the five of us went to Lacoste.

Lacoste is a gorgeous town. Nestled in a mountain, it overlooks a valley (sort of). Its quiet, there isn't much there but an old chateau and gorgeous streets. EVERYTHING is stone. Streets, houses, walls...everything. It was really pretty to explore and we spent a good hour there just walking through the streets, admiring.

After we left, we headed home and the night was quiet.

I am going to miss this...

DEMAIN*

dernier jour!

 If you know me well, you know that I absolutely HATE goodbyes...

Today was so hard. It was my last day of school and for soo long I've been saying how it wouldn't be hard to say bye to everyone or anything like that. That was a joke. I cried. Really hard.

Its hard because even though school was sucky, the people were so amazing! All of the people in my class were always so helpful and funny and great! It sucks to say bye to people that you've come to almost love!

In Eco class, secretly everyone wrote little notes to me on a piece of paper. At the end of the class they gave it to me and everyone gave me kisses and wished me good return and good luck in the future. So cute and so touching! I really will never forget the simple moments like that! When I read the paper I bawled- so, so adorable! Its touching to know that  people thought of me the ways they described and they EVERYONE hoped I would come back to see them again! I was just...touched.

After school a bunch of girlfriends took me out for ice cream. SO good! We had soo many laughs and great times in that one hour. I definitely will never forget these sweet people. We took a million pictures and laughed so hard. It was a great last time to be with the people aho have been my best friends here.

After a bunch of girls left it was just us..Les Filles! We walked around town and took so many pictures of us and each other. I know those will be some of my best memories with them. When I said bye to Manon and Camille I bawled and so did they. Its easy to say, " see you soon!" or "I'll come back" or "Come visit me in Canada whenever you want" because you really feel that way and you mean it. But in actuality, you don't know WHEN you'll actually see them again or when you'll come back or when (or even if!) they'll come to Canada. Thats whats so hard about it. I love Manon and Camille as if they were my best friends. Well, they are my french best friends. We became so close and the last couple have days have been the best! I hate to say goodbye to them (for now!!) but I know that we will remain friends for a lifetime to come. These girls made my stay the best ever and I am so thankful to have had them. I owe it to them for the laughter and fun times everyday.

You form bonds with people over a span of three months. Its easy to do that because people are welcoming. Some bonds are tighter than others. Some bonds consist os just looking at eachother and smiling in an understanding way. Some are just looking at each other and laughing at the retard acting out in class or the crazy teacher going off on the class. Some consist of sharing secrets like a real friendship and some consist of laughing together all the time. Bonds can be the kind where two people just sing together and that brings them closer. But no matter xhat, you form some sort of connection with everyone! And so that makes it hard to say bye and give hugs and kisses. Because even though school was so hard and sucky, you still love the people you went with. You still looked forward to seeing them everyday.

I love my class. I love all of kids in the class. My teachers were so supportive. My school was amazing. I'll never, in all of my life to come, forget the people I encountered in my three months here. I am touched by their big hearts and understanding caracters. So, yes, it was hard and I did cry. I am going to miss these people so much and I know I won't forget them. They'll always be my friends in some sort of way even if it is just through my memories.

Its impossible to forget the people that have changed your life forever...

JE VOUS AIME 1 ES 1!!! MERCIIIIII A VOUS♥ je garderai un très beau souvenir et je n'oublierai jamais ces trop beau trois mois avec vous! je vous fais des enormes bisous!

On a side note, I did add my pictures to their computer so I will be adding pictures VERY soon!!

 

 

 

 

4*

aujourd hui

Today was good. Today was definitely needed!

We only had classes until 11 so afterwards Les Filles and I (as well as Chris from The Crew) went to McDo for lunch! It was pouring rain so we stayed there for quite a long time. When we called Nath to see when she could come she told us it wouldn't be until 5. Looking outside we decided there was absolutely no way were walking the good 2 miles back to school. Camille invited the three of us to go to her house and so we agreed that it would be good.

Holy nice house! We walked in and were like, "...woah". Lén had been there before so it wasn't such a shocker. But Chris and I? Stunned for at least a good 10 minutes. Its so modern but so, so lovely. So clean with fine lines and colors that...I don't even know!! It was literally like something you would see in a Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

We ate lots of junk, played Wii, talked and after Chris left we played another game where you have to hum a song and then other people have to try and guess what song. Don't know if you know of Partini but its a game that has mini games inside. It is a party game, you know, that you play at soirées or something...hence the name. We had lots of good laughs with that one!

Afterwards we came home and I've just been chillin' out! It was a good rainy après-midi :)

6*

vraiment....?

I would just like to say...

SERIOUSLY? I HATE volcanos! And natural disasters. And weather that is really stupid because it changes like a girl's mood.

This volcano has ruined my A.Pam's trip to France so I wasn't able to see her. That put me right over the edge. I was sooo upset. Now, it has gone off again and if it stops any plane from France...lets just say you might hear me on the other side of the Atlantic.

So THANK YOU volcano jeiogjezioghzeiogjeozgjzeopgj. Your name is dumb just like the fact that you have erupted ONE too many times. You can stop now though......

tu me manques...

I hate today. I said a few entries ago that I am postive and I am, truly. But today is the one day of the year that I just do not like.

Its four years today. Four years of missing someone in my life. Four years ago today was family was shattered (luckily we were pieced back together through my moms incredible strength and my "new" [just for "clarification"] dad's unending love for us). Four years ago today that my daddy went to heaven. And although his death has given me many opportunites in life, I still miss him. There is still a void. Though the void is not as big as it once was, it is still there. There always will be.

Really, I've begun to move on. I've found happiness and joy again. My dad is a huge help. He's not my daddy and he never will be but he is someone who loves me and my brothers and mom and we love him, too. I have been ucky enough...we have been lucky enough to have him in our lives. It wasn't easy- it still isn't but niether is life! Through loosing my daddy, as heart wrenching as it was, I gained so much.
1) a life time of wisdom. Death just gives you that.
2) More life experiences (hello France)
3) Happiness. Oddly enough, after all of the grief, happiness does come and it is sweeter than before.
And I could write a book on it but I'll spare you of that!

But, no matter what, May 4 is still hard. It's still a day that I dread weeks in advance. Its still a date that I wish neveer existed. It is still a say when I wake up and for a moment I think "It is so hard to breathe today". Still a day that is heavy and horrible. A day that hangs over you like one of those rain clouds you see in cartoons that follows the person. It doesn't much matter where in the world I am- this day still sucks. And rightfully.

I'm not going to spend my day having self pity or wallowing in the the thought of everything. No, I am not like that. I'll distract myslf, do things that make me happy and seek comfort in God. It doesn't mean that it won't be stuck in the back of my mind.

I'm reading a book by the title of It's Your Time. Its by Joel Osteen and I highly recommend this book. Seriously, as soon as your finished here, go buy it. In this book, he recently wrote (or I recently read...whatever floats your boat), "you cannot let a moment of grief become of lifetime of grief". Those words literally leaped off the page and resounded in me. I thought about how right he is, how much sense that makes. You nor I can spend our lives grieiving over something or someone forever. There is SO much to live for, even in the darkest hour. So much to experience. It is okay to be sad for a moment and then..release it.

I'll always miss him. My daddy. I'll always feel a pang of heartache when the thought of him creeps up on me. The 4 of May will always be a little bit harder than the 3 or 5. I will forever wish he were still here. I'll always want to be able to hear his voice just one more time or climb in the chair with him and read. But time passes and we heal a little bit more each day. We cope. I cope. I am still learning, God am I still learning, from this. But I take quiet comfort in knowing that I will see him again. I don't know when, no one does. I feel relief that theres going to be a tomorrow and another and another after that.

His memory, his love and his hope will remain in my heart forever. That I know with 100% certainty.

So, although it is difficult to get through this day- I do it. I do it for the hope of tomorrow and the memory of yesterday. Nothing will ever be able to describe my missing of him - not 1000 words or 50 thousand white butterflies passing by or even 1 picture. That doesn't sufffice it. I just do. He is with me, here in the beautiful France or there in Canada. He comes along, tucked away in my heart, everywhere. And that...that feels okay.

Daddy - Four years has come and one. So quickly. It seems like it was an infinity ago but I still remember it like yesterday. Weird how that works. I will forever miss you. I will forever love you. But you knew that already. You know everything before I do! It is not the same without you but your sweet memory is with me for my lifetime. You will be shared with everyone I know and ever will know. That is how you will live on. I'll be seeing you. Until then, my love always. Tu me manques... 

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away." Greys Anatomy

Release it...


*I am very happy to be in France on this day. To have a sister and a family who try to keep my busy and occupied. Who say nice things and do nice things. I am glad for that. I am glad for the distraction for a little bit. I feel him here on this gorgeous day. In the weirdest way, I even feel this intense sense of joy. Its luck that I am here for this. Pure luck. And love. Its always love though :)

7* That is wierd...one week. Just odd...

nouvelle

This weekend was fabulous!

le vendredi

We spent the day in Lyon with the class which was fabulous! It was a bit chilly and overcast but the day was fun! Lyon is a beautiful city and VERY clean. We went to a War Museum about the Resistance which was actually very interesting and definitely sad. Célia met up with us there and she stayed with me during the time and helped explain things as well as help me with the packet we had to complete. Definitely thankful for her!

That night we got back from Lyon around 7 and on the way home, we picked up Renuka! She stayed until after midnight and the four of us girls chitchatted and watched Desperate...basically just shared lots of laughs! We all enjoyed ourselves over Fondue au Chocolat and fruit...sooo yummy! It was the last time any of us would see Ren because she is headed back for Canada today, actually! We are planning to meet up in TO though because she lives right in the city and I live...not far!

le samedi

On Saturday we cleaned all day and that night we went to Will's house. He has a Canadian partner Chris who is part of The Crew so Will and Chris had Léna and I over as well as Randi (another Canadian and part of TC) and then a fex other French friends! It was a great night had by all! My first and only fête française (until next time, that is!) was definitely a success! We left Will's around 1230am and by the time we got all the way back home we crashed!

le dimanche

Yesterday I spent the whole day in the kitchen! I love baking and so I, once again, did some baking for the family. What did I bake, you ask? Oh, you didn't? Too bad, I'm going to tell you ;) I made my famous Chocolate Chip cookies! I even had to wing it and they still turned out fabulous! The batch makes so much dough that I was baking the cookies for about 3 hours! Everyone loved them and the first batch was gone in literally about 1 minute!

Lena and Célia helped me out a little bit but it was mostly me who did it all! Nath and Lio were working on a bunch of stuff for Malaysia this summer(the fam. is going for 5 weeks...so incredibly jealous!!) and Tom was MIA but everyone(except Tom) took a break to have some cookies and milk.

Last night Lio, Léna and I went to see a movie. Green Zone. It wasn't in VO and though I've watched bunches of movies in only French and understood, this was way to difficult. It was about the war in Iraq with Matt Damon and it was good but I can't really give it a godo enoguh rating because I really didn't understand what was happening. I'm sure if I saw it and it was in English, I would have really enjoyed it. I'm into war movies...its odd hahaha.

It was a busy weekend -my favorite! It helps keep my mind going which is good because the last thing I need to do is think!

I will ask you though to please keep myself in your prayers tomorrow. Its going to be an off day and I already have plans to write. I'm doing my best to keep positive but the fact that its 4 years and I have two hours of French with the Devil and two hours of a math test...I'll just be a little off. Also, if you have any prayer requests...the what? 4 of you that read this, please feel free to comment them because I'll be sure to keep them in my prayers! That is a new thing I am starting..leave prayer requests! Thanks in advance!

8*

ennuyeux...

Here's my day to day life which has my explanation in it.

I wake up and I get dressed. I go to school. I get home from school and have a snack. I come upstairs, change into something comfy, and get on the computer. I check for homework which there always is and then I check my email. Occasionally, when I am not feeling lazy, I'll respond to emails or even write one! Then by that time, its dinner time. I eat and if its my night, I clean the kitchen. After that I come back upstairs and I read all of my blogs that I follow and then I write don't write in my blog. Because it is so late by the time I am done reading, I get ready for bed and after that, I go to bed.

I repeat that everyday.

My days are nothing. I am pretty much just living a normal life here that isn't worthy of much!! It has just become like usual! So, I don't write everyday any more because  there isn't much to stay. I mean, there is because I am always thinking and a lot of my thoughts are really great things to write about but they aren't always about France.

I don't think you want to come here and NOT read about France so I just don't write everyday!I certainly COULD write though...if you wanted. To read about it. Things different from France, I mean.

Time is flying. Today is 10 days. I am really starting to get anxious now. It feels weird, too! To think that in just a little over a week I will not be waking up in France everyday is just....weird. I am already stressing about school in Canada, too. Really stressing! I have this huge English seminar due the day I get back to school and its all hard and complicated. So much to do and so little time! Sometimes it needs to just NOT fly by!!

I have to run though, we are going out to a little party with some other canadians tonight! Its a bit of an exchange partner party but not really. I'll be posting pictures soon!! Sorry my blog isn't as interesting as before...