Today.

Missing. Its smacks you right when you least expect it. Steals your breath away like the wind on a cold morning. One moment, its out of sight and the next, standing right in front of you.

A day filled with one simple reminder. You. Veterans Day. Five of these have you been gone. Seems truly impossible.

Most days I try to be in the real world with a happy, positive attitude. I want that. I get that the majority of the time. Mostly, I radiate that I think. In these days, these pretty moments, the image of my daddy slips away- blurry lines form. I don't remember so clearly, it doesn't cross my mind so much, I can't picture the days when  he was around. But sometimes, some days the missing just sneaks right up on me. Guilt. Clarity of who he is- sharp lines forming so that I can remember him picture perfectly. His voice so clear in my ears. The intenseness of missing in my heart.  Theres two places. But in reality, three places. Those two and then the space in between. The place where both are present, just simply there and I can recall it in just the right amount of dosage.

Its tricky to live life without a moment passing that you TRY not.to.think. To just be, without the reminders or the distractions. Most days, though, it works. I can do it. And others, its just.too.much. Too big. Beyond my realm of thinking. Those are the days where there is that needle-sharp, heart hurting, breath stealing, eye tearing, mind boggling type of missing. A missing far beyond my reach to fix. It is just simply there. A thick cloud hanging over me.

Today. Its that day. I miss you. Immensly. My heart hurts and my breathing is slow because I am trying to control it. Trying to tell myself to untwist the knot that is in my chest which feels like a forgein object. Veterans Day. Hard Day. Proud Day. Thankful Day.

To you. To the man who taught me courage and hope. To the man who gave many years of his life for his family, friends and country. To the man who represented a true American Soldier. To the man who was flawed and still amazing. To the man who left too soon. To the man who gave me so much more after he left us. To you. I. am. forever. thankful. Forever. grateful.


I. Love. You. Endlessly.

l'espoir

Shes eight. And beautiful. And brave. Girly. Loving, Loving, LOVING. Forgiving unlike anyone I know. Happy. Timid. A small little Miracle.

Shes the prettiest little thing. She inspires me. She is my baby- forever. I look into her innocent eyes and wish so badly that she'd stay young for all eternity. She will grow up one day to be the most beautiful and loving person. She'll have many friends, a wonderful husband and pretty little babies. No one will ever be good enough for her but she'll still find someone pretty darn close. She has the voice of an angel and the heart of sparkling, white gold. Her name will shine brightly one day- I promise. She'll be hurt and broken by someone, like all of us,  but she will always be full of HOPE.

To my baby sister- I love you dearly and deeply. You make me want to be better. I will forever be proud of you and grateful beyond belief for your ablility to touch my heart strings. You are the most beautyfilled person. Always, always- Sissy.

inspiration

The little things in life inspire me. Little tokens of inspiration. Of happiness. I like to drool over Anthropologie and wish that I could buy those pretty things. I dream while listening to Norah Jones. My mind slips away to different places when I look at photography blogs or search pretty littles on Google images. Quotes, quotes, quotes. Anything vintage and pink. Hazy lighting. I'm so easily inspired. So easily indulged. Wishing, dreaming and hopeful. I never want it to end. Time goes so quickly when I am inspired and then flashes away like lightening. Gone.

Inspiration, oh how I do love you. Pretty little things...you capture me.

And, as always, I am yearning for France. Forever in a day.

be true.

I haven't written in so long. I just havent had much inspiration. After last night, I do.

Who I am is so beautifully complicated and so prettily simple at the same time. Its taken so long to find who exactly I am. I thought for sure, one hundred percent that I found it in France. I was wrong in a small way but also right. Last night I saw Justin Nozuka. I will post the meaning of this SOON. What my point is that it changed who I am in a matter of hours. I had a day of pure bliss yesterday- PURE BLISS. It was so needed and so cherished.

So what I am saying is that I am me. In so many different ways. I'm different than anyone you know..TRUST ME. I have not and will never lose sight of who I am, of what I am about. I will, forever, stay true to myself. I'm girly, I love all things pretty and pink and flowery and lacey with pearls and sparklies and anything vintage. But more importantly, I am loving and deep and flowing. I see through things to the center. I'm soulful and faithful and in a weird little way, I am sure. I am sure of who I am. I refuse to let someone tear that away from me. I think that to know who you are is so important these days. So many people lose sight of who they are, what they are about, what they believe in, etc. I can't imagine that.

Lately I've been struggling. I came back from France and the toxic society got to me and pulled me out of that bliss back into negativity and unhappiness. Since then, I have been back where I started. But, yesterday really changed me again. Its so imperative to find the happiness in things- the good. Its certainly not easy and sometimes it is so exhausting that you just want to give up. It is definitely a long road to endure- I can atest to that. I know, I know- there are just so many things to be unhappy about. There are also a million and one things to be happy about. You just have to wait it out and try your hardest to find the joy in the small things. That is what did it for me.

Life will always throw us curve balls that we have to swerve away from. Sometimes, though, we might get hit in the leg or arm and it hurts but you have to just walk it off. Keep going. Find good. Find happiness. Find love. Be true to you. Don't let anyone strip you of what you have because who you are is perfect in its own way. Always stay positive. This is what I live by. This is who I am and what I am about. This is me- take it or leave it.

Wishing you nothing but bliss and love and sunny days for your life to come*

ps. I miss France every single day of my life. I will write on that soon, too.

pss. some pretties for today:

ANYTHING by justin nozuka

hush hush, harmony and freedom by henry nozuka and

strip me by natasha bedingfield

bonheur

I found this today when I was going through my blog list and it said "draft". It's old. From when I was in France and about halfway through. It speaks so many volumes though and show my vulnerability when I was there. I miss this. Its funny to look back on this now and see how I was there. So different I am now from before this experience. So very different. Happiness to you and to all....pure bliss<3


Everyday I wake up and think to myself, "REALLY?". Everyday I feel like I am living in a dream. I ask myself if its real. I know I've said this before, but truthfully.

Three months is a longtime. And in the halfway (yes, I am halfway already) I've learned so much about who I am and who others are and...just so much. But not only that, I've found true happiness. I live by happiness. Most people know that if I have a favorite word it is happiness. Well, that and inspiration along with love. Anyway, yes, happiness. And for a long time, too long, I didn't have TRUE happiness. I was happy and I was smiling but I didn't have the feeling of real, honest to God happiness in my stomach.

And then, by some chance, THIS happened to me. I came here. I lived here. I met these people. To be honest though, its a shame that it took 3 months and 8000 miles away from the people I love to find happiness. How does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't, not to you at least. But it does to me. In my head, it makes perfect sense and I can explain it justifiably. My mom, garunteed, will write something about how proud she is of me for becoming who I am while I'm here and then some other things that always make me feel good about myself. I know she will, because that is just who she is. Usually, if I were still home, it would annoy me and piss me off a little bit but because I am here, I feel happy when she does that. THAT is what I don't understand. But then again, I do. It's change. That subject is for another post though, trust me!

Back to happiness. You know, being here has just given me the utter feeling of being happy. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. Even if it has been a hard day and I'll I've done is feel a little twinge of sadness, I still feel happy at the end of the day. I forgot what true happiness felt like. It seemed so distant, I was always just content. There is a difference between the two, let me tell you.

Happiness has a tendancy to take my breath away. It often leaves me awestruck and feeling quite lucky. Usually, when I feel real happiness, it feels like NOTHING can stop me. I'm aware of everything in my life, the good and bad, and yet I am still happy. Just happy to be...be alive, be lucky, be who I am. Its important to me to know just WHO I AM. I think its important for everyone to know that.

Finding happiness isn't easy. I've heard that the pursuit of happiness isn't enjoyable and that it doesn't really get you to true happiness. I think that maybe thats true. I've been searching so long for happiness and yet I wasn't. I was far from it. I spent SO much time looking for it that I lost sight of everything else- the things that really matter. And now, here I am so far away from home and away from my family and friends but I found it. Again. I'm happy. I'm content, too. But more importantly, I.Am.Happy. I forgot how beautiful it was- this feeling. How fleeting and humbling it was. And it still shocks me, leaves me in awe. To be happy is key but to search for happiness is wrong....

So, how do you find it? I have no clue. I don't even know how I found it here. And, to be honest, who knows if it will last once I leave. I wish I knew how the real feeling of happiness was found but I don't. I just know that when you find it again, its like your soul is reawakened and you're so much more...okay with things. It seems like everyone these days are so unhappy with life and so wistful. Everyone wants more. Not me- not anymore. I'm okay with what I have because somehow, I found it again.

I wish happiness for everyone. The kind that you can feel in your gut- the kind that makes you floaty and feel beautiful. I wish that for you and your family and your friends. We all need a little more happy in our lives. I hope that you find it...soon.

faith

Quoting Grey's real quick I just want to say "at the end of the day, faith is a funny thing". In all actuality, this won't really be all about faith but more about life. In general. What a wide topic, huh?

I've had such a funny 24 hours. Well not funny in that sense, but I think you get what I mean. It has just been so....ODD. I cannot really describe it. I've had a thinking past 24 or so hours. All I've done is think. About life. About time. About faith. And how somehow, in the past 6 weeks they've all slipped away so quickly and then come right back to me, slapping me. Why does this keep happening?!

Life is so quick...so very fast. It speeds by. I know EVERYONE says it, "time flies!" but really, it does. I can't quite comprehend it. I just do not understand how on earth it is that I come September I'll be in my Senior year. I also don't get how that makes me wiggy when I've been looking so forward to it for such a longtime. But still....one last year until life really sort of starts. How its possible that I've lived in Canada for, dare I say it, almost 3 years. That my parents have been together for 3 years and my daddy has been gone for 4. That my oldest brother is TWENTY FIVE and Jon just turned 22. That Hope will be 8 and when I met her she was just going to turn 5.
I can't really grasp the fact that I am 17. How? I was just 6 years old, playing with my Aunt Heather's hair bow basket and trying to style her hair. I was only 6 just yesterday running around barefoot with Micheal all over the cul-d-sac.

Life passes us by with no warning or pause. It just keeps on going, with or without you. You either keep truckin' with it or you get freakin' lost. That is honestly what happened. I stopped for one moment to take a breath and then time slipped. Gone like wind in the middle of the night. It is so crazy how that happens. I've said this before and I try SO, so hard to live this : Don't blink, don't pause, don't stop because life comes and then it goes and you cannot change the past. Make decisions that you'll be able to live with and make them wisely. Its important to really and truly cherish every single second of every single day. Don't take things for granted because you'll look back on that and think "I wish so much...." and WHY, at the end of your life, do you want to be asking or wishing or questioning yourself?

I really just don't understand time. It rips so many things apart and it also brings things together. I always wondered how that worked because so many things in the world work like that. No one can explain it, its just the way it goes.

So, where does faith play in this? I don't really know. Faith has just been on my mind lately. I mean, I guess you just have to have faith that tomorrow WILL come and that you will be able to live your life to the fullest. That's all really ask for, right? To just be able to live life to very fullest we possibly can. Its not always easy and somedays it can seem like its not very rewarding but when the day comes for you to stand and look back on your life (hopefully a long a full one) you want to be able to say "I lived a faith filled, happy life with the people I loved. I did the things I dreamed of, I accomplished all of my goals and I never gave up on the hope of life". At least, that is what I want to be able to say. Because time...it leaves us. It goes and never returns; it only has one stop and that's the end. You don't really get a second chance to live your entire life. True, you can start new everyday but actually reliving and doing things over again - not an option.

Make your time worth while. Memorable. Fun. Spontaneous. Don't let fear stand in your way- go out and DO IT. Never hold back.

Time. Its constant and quick...hang on to it.

"Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us can wants, is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go" - grey's anatomy

l'amour

I always think that I myself am a passionate person. I don't really know exactly, but I shall stick with that!

While I was in France (still totally missing it) I ran out of books to read! I did not bring enough but lucky for me, my family loves English so they had a bunch of English books! One of which was Twilight. Not many of the other books looked very appealing besides the Harry Potter #4 (I am ADDICTED) so I thought that I might as well read the first book of the Twilight series. Now, a little background about my opinion....
I HATE Twilight(well, hated I guess you could say). Too overrated, too weird. Vampires and Werewolves? NOT my thing. A little to odd for my likings.
So anyway, I read it. Nonstop. All the time. At school. At home. In the car. All I did was read, read and read. It took me approximately 2.5 days to finish. I fell in love, oddly enough. There was just something captivating about the book. I think I know what it was. It wasn't the vampire and werewolf thing...I got past that. Part of it could of been the personality of Bella...a bit relate-able for me. But mostly, it was the fight for love. The constant battle of who to choose, what feeling to trust, which way to turn.

I'm a lover. A lot of people say it and truly the word has lost its meaning. So many people throw the word around too much- love isn't really love anymore. But for me, LOVE still stands. I love LOVE. Yet, I have never really, truly been in love. Lust, yeah maybe. Love? Nah. But still, I feel so connected to the feeling. The idea, mostly.

Reading the books (I've gotten through all four) made me realize that love is not easy. Its not always pretty and fun. Its never going to be perfect and it has it drawbacks and hard times. Like everything else in life, love can be sad. But love is never ending. Its an emotion of eternity and forever. Its happy and peaceful and hard and tiring. The  thing about love is that it is a constant emotion. Its something we all feel, somehow. Like I've said, I've never been IN LOVE. But I love people. I love my parents deeply. I love my brothers and sister so much. I love my daddy immensely. I love my friends. I love lots of things. That type if love is different though.

Twilight gave me a glimpse of true love. Not that I've never seen it because my parents have always shown me what true love is like. The thing that Twilight also let me take a peek into is just how raw love is. The characters fought so hard for love. They had to tirelessly and constantly vie for love. They spent their lives loving someone SO much that it actually hurt. They spent most of their time trying to figure out what emotion to even trust. To listen to the heart or the mind because really, which one is better? It seems to me that either way, you're going to get hurt a little bit. I guess that's the price to pay, though, right?

Part of me envies that. Part of me wants to feel that, too. To love someone so much that I almost hate myself for it. I want to know what it feels like to fight so hard to get someone to love me, too. The fight. The climb. The chase. I want to know that. I want to experience that; to feel for someone that I have to give my life to fight for them. I want to feel the way love comes in steals your breath away leaving you gasping for life because of the beauty. I want to know the experience of being dizzy just THINKING about it. Maybe I am totally crazy to want that...its possible! But maybe not.

The Biblical verse sort of describes it well-hits the nail on the head.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

I know one day, who knows when, I'll eventually feel it. I will, some time from now, feel that passionate love for someone. And they'll love me back. And it will be perfectly imperfect like every other kind of love. It will be real and true and lovely. It will also be hard, sad and exhausting. But you fight for what you love. You don't give up on the ones you love or leave them standing there to be left alone. Too many people do that in our world. Too many people love too easily. Love is an emotion all on its own. Nothing is quite like it and nothing really comes close to it. I'm not in a rush..love is big. But I hope that, maybe, soon I can feel a glimpse of it. A little bit of an experience.


Here's to love...and to life. To all of the beautiful and wonderful and difficult things they both throw at us. It's never easy but it will always be worth it. Somehow.

ps. I am currently addicted to this. I am IN LOVE(okay, well not really seeing as though I just posted about that) with this beautiful man. But seriously, I think I might actually be in love with him. I recommend ANYTHING from him. Truly, everything he sings is breathtakingly stunning. So raw, so real.

nostalgic

So, its been a month since I have been home. WOW. One month. Crazy....
I haven't really had the chance to sit down and dedicate a good enough amount of time to writing until now and I won't even be able to do this in one sitting. House duty calls!

It has been a crazy, fast paced, interesting, stressful, slow month. Yes, fast and slow in the same sentence. I don't even know where to start! This is going to be a long post! Okay, I'll start at the return. I had to wake up SO early to come home so I decided not to sleep! We left our house around 515 am and got to the airport at about 615. We checked my bags in(I WAS NOT OVERWEIGHT!!!!) and then caught up with some other exchange family's and chatted. Finally, we noticed our flight would be leaving in about 45 minutes so we all decided it would be best to get through security. That meant goodbyes. And as we all know so well, I am not very good with goodbyes! I was hard. Very hard. I bawled like a baby. Her parents cried, she cried. We gave our letters to each other and said "see you later" and "its not really goodbye, its see you soon". Except, in French. Ha! Anyway, I got through security not so easily and then we sat down for all of about 10 minutes before we had to board. Got onto the flight and sobbed the whole way to Paris. Looking out over Provence as we were flying had me so heart broken and sad. I literally did not understand how I could ever leave this place, how it came so quickly and went by so fast, how I had to just pack up and leave for who knows how long, how on earth I would ever be able to stop thinking about how much I LOVE that place.

We got to Paris and got the LOVELY news that our flight was delayed three hours. Instead of a three hour layover we said a very warm and welcoming hello to a SIX HOUR layover. I hope you can sense the sarcasm in that....So we waited, and lots of people cried for the first couple of hours. We shared stories and laughed and cried and talked about how much we already missed it. Unbelievably, after wandering the terminal (CDG airport is SO nice) and talking, the six hours flew! Got on the plane and waited for like...an hour. I wasn't too happy because I felt like, "If we're going to go, lets just go or else I will probably run off of this plane and never look back". I really wasn't feeling the fact that I had to go home. Not that I didn't want to go home, I did but I wanted to stay there more! The flight, due to the volcano, was SO long. SO FREAKING LONG. We ended up leaving at 515 or something like that and then flight home was almost 11 or 12 hours? Long story short, by the time I got into my house I had been travelling for 24 hours. I was so tired and exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally but because it was already 1230 before I got into bed, my body was saying 630 am..the time I woke up for school every morning in France. Needless to say, I only slept about 6 hours until 630 because I jumped out of bed and was like "OH MY GOD, 1230, SCHOOL...Lena, je sui- oh frig, I am in Canada." Hope was in my bed (I asked her to have a sleepover) and she woke up and looked at me like I was a crazy person.

I was really off for the rest of the week and felt quite sick for a few days. Time changes, who needs those? Ha! So for the rest of the week I did homework, got settled back into the house and all of that jazz. Monday rolled around a bit too fast! I was totally not ready for school! I got there and it was probably the most overwhelming thing; more overwhelming than my first days in France! I had SO many people attacking me- literally jumping on me! People would run up behind me and jump on my back and tackle me...I was squeezed to death for the first two days! It was really good to see people though and start getting into a routine :) So many people complimented me saying that I lost weight and I look so much different and happier! That felt really great.

My classes were all okay- the same as before I left. My teachers were all happy to have me back so that was good, too. I also started back at work which has been the hardest adjustment, I think. I've had a really rough time getting myself excited to go and when I'm there all I want to do is leave. Each shift gets better though so I am finally starting to get back into the swing of it. Everyone at work was really happy to see me back. Lots of hugs and stories went around and still are going around! It's fun to see people each time that I haven't seen yet. I work with great people so it makes it easier!

So far, everything has gone smoothly or at least as smoothly as it can go. Family life is normal just like it was before I left. All of my friends are still great with the exception of a few. EVERYONE changed so much. I don't exactly fit in anywhere right now because they changed and so did I so we all have different priorities and ideas on things now. I know I'll eventually find the right place but I'm not worried about it all. School is okay. I have really good grades in all of my class except in American History. Go figure, huh? I ended up having to drop the class a few days ago because it was just TOO stressful and I had a really bad grade so my parents, my guidance counsellor and myself decided this would be the best thing. Speaking of which, I have the best guidance counsellor anyone could ever ask for. She has gone above and beyond for me, I seriously cannot thank her enough. This whole process was so much easier because of her care, concern and help!!

Otherwise, things are the same. Some things change and some things don't!

I miss France EVERY SINGLE DAY. I wake up in the morning and I think of France and I go to bed at night and I think of France. I'm not sure how long it will take for it to lessen...maybe a few more days or maybe a few weeks or even months. I miss everything about it. Mostly, I miss the simplicity of life and my family. I have not talked to Lena much because we are both so busy. Although, I know there are times when we could both have the chance- I think it just doesn't cross our minds. I want to talk with her on the phone so I can keep my French up but she has a huge exam coming up that she has to really study for. I'm not too worried, I know we'll talk before she leaves for Malaysia!

I miss all of my friends in France and my class, too. It is so weird not to be there! We keep in touch all of the time but it doesn't make it much easier. Usually I will talk with my friends and cry because I miss being there and laughing with them over stupid stuff. Friendships there are so much more different than they are here. In France, they cherish their friends more and they don't back stab or lie or have any drama. No one talks about another friend behind their back or say rude things. Everyone is just generally so much more loving and happier. That's the problem in North America! People here are so toxic- it is such a negative environment!!

I am so happy to be home and be in a routine again but I think of France often. I remember all of my fun times with friends and my family. I even remember all of the quiet times that I spent just enjoying my surroundings. I have an odd mind because I can literally play things in my head and its like a movie- its so clear. But, I am thankful for that because my memories of France are still so fresh and raw and clear. I still haven't processed the fact that I lived there for three months! I want so badly to be back there, to be with all of the beautiful people in a beautiful place. I long to be there. Looking back on things is hard because I want it back so much. But being here is home and that feels good, too.

As I have said so many times before:

I am humbled and grateful and thankful beyond words. I will never be able to express my gratitude to the very many people that made this experience as amazing as it was. I will NEVER forget France, my family, my sister, my friends, my school or the moments. I will guard them in my heart forever.

PS. I plan to write more often. Keep a blog for daily life, life lessons, thoughts. Feel free to be in touch with me through here or through email!

au revoir

There are lots of things one learns in life from different experiences. Life lessons aren't always easy. I can say that with certainty and truly mean it. France has given me many insights and taught me many things.

Over the course of three months I think I've been both slapped across the face and blessed in ways I never even imagined possible. Which, if you think about it, it is sort of...no, very bizzare! HHow can both happen at the same time? Is that possible? Well, my dear friends, it is! Think of it like this: The saying ,"Make mistakes but learn from them". The mistakes are the slap and the learning is the blessing. Or like eating cake! You're on this super diet and you know that cake is so bad for you but it is just SO darn good! It makes sense, trust me!! Its evil (the slap) but so delicious (the blessing). I cannot believe I just related cake to a blessing...Any way, what I am saying is that I have learned so much here! I know I've said that but seriously!! The life lessons weren't always handed to me on a silver platter. Mostly they were hard to deal with and hard to accept. But you do it for the reward- the wisdom!

France has been a dream. I feel like I am truly the luckiest girl in this world. I feel like I got to do the best thing ever. And yet, its only one chapter in my life. There are so many more, so many more things to experience. But, even still, I know that 25, 50, 60 years down the road I'll still thinking, remembering and telling the stories of these three beautiful months. I found so much of me here. I learned about who I am. I even let some of me go.  Its a life changing experience, that is for sure.

I was laying in my bed the other night, unable to get to sleep. I started thinking (totally not uncommon. I am convinced my brain will be shrivled by the time I am 25 from over thinking!!) about my first few weeks here.I thought of my first day and how purley excited I was. Not even nervous just stoked! About how when I first saw Léna my first words were, "I'm so happy to see you!!!!!!!" through tears of joy and relief. In english, none the less! OOPS!  I thought about the first days of school, walkin in with tears welling up in my eyes from how overwhelming it was. About our trip to Nice and the feeling of the cool, salty air. Thought about my birthday and how truly unforgettable it was. About visiting Fontaine de Vaucluse and on the way home just barely missing death! I relived the night of Léna and I's birthday party and the day I walked through Gordes. Thought of all of the incredible concerts and villages we went to. Remembered how fun Barcelona was. I even thought of the simple times with the family, alone or tanning in the sun. And, as I was literally drifting off into sleep I thought, "I am so humbled".

Its humbling. Its altering. Its eye opening. Because of this I am forever changed. I am forever better. Its been incredible. Its been unforgettable. And even then, those two strong words don't describe the feeling I have.

When I first signed up for this I was like , " Yes, France! I can go and learn and see in France!! Dream? CHECK!" And then it became so much more. It consumed me and my every thought. I ate, slept and breathed the thought of France. I imagined and planned and thought. My life revolved around this exchange- simply put! But, this entire experience has been MORE than I ever dreamed of! I got it perfectly- honest. Even the crappy times added to its perfectity. Thats not a real word by the way. I made it up and its my word but feel free to use it! Anyway, what I am saying here is that I got more than what I askd for and dreamed for.

I owe many thanks to my parents, my french parents, Léna and God.

Though no words truly describe the way I feel deep down inside. I will say that these nine spectacular months have been the most perfect, unforgettable, life changing and happy months of my life. I'm leaving here and it is so sad, it is almost depressing but I know that I will be back again. SOON and many times after that, too. I am leaving here with a lifetime of knowledge and images and memories instilled within me. I'm also leaving with half of my heart because the other half will be here forever.

I'm blessed. I'm thankful. I'm altered.

france- je t'aime très fort. J'avais eu les mieux mois ici. T'es jolie. En plus, trop belle! Je ne pensais jamais que j'aurais une echange comme ça mais je suis très contente d'avoir la chance d'habiter ici pendant trois beaux mois. Je n'oublierai jamais et aussi je reviendrai bientôt. Merci, Merci, MERCI. Mon coeur est la toujours.

ma famille francaise- je vous aime comme vous êtes ma vraie famille. Je suis trop contente de vous avoir recontré dans ma vie. J'espère que vous vennez chez moi bientôt donc, je vais revenir bientôt en France et j'aimerais bien chez vous! Merci pour tous- franchement, c'était magnifique et incroyable et je sais que j'ai la chance! Mon amour à vous toujours! BISOUS
ps. JE SUIS TERRIBLE<3

to my family- I AM COMING BACK! I missed you but GET READY cause I am there soon! Love all so much and thank you for supporting me through this! xoxo

This is the end. This chapter end here. This page is done and it is turning now. But it is only the beginning and there are many more chapters and pages to follow. Life has only just begun for me thanks to this beautifuml experience. SEE YOU THERE!

My love forever and always...

don't cry because its over, smile because it happened*

les dernier jours

I have a post written already for the last post so I won't go into much detail here. This will just wrap up the weekend!

le samedi

Satruday we woke up and did our usual thing. It was rainy so our plans to go to Rousillon were looking slim. While Nath, Léna and I were sitting around Nath pulled out a huge umbrella. We took one look at it and were like, "We are totally doing this. We have this cool umbrella, we just HAVE to now" So off we went to get dressed and ready to venture out into the rain.

Rousillon is GORGEOUS. As you can see in the pictures, the soil is not regular old brown. NO my friends, it is like color of a beautiful sunset (or sunrise..Take your pick!) Its orange and bright red and yellow...beautiful. And odd, too. Don't ask me why because I really don't know. I was too busy snapping pictures to stop along the sides and read why its like this. It has something to do with the fact that Provence (area I live in) was under water like some millions of years ago and when it eventually wasn't, the iron and other elements rested in this place. Then, it caused a reaction and the word ochre was thrown in there...long story short: its a chemical reaction. Or at least that is what I am going to go with! You can look it up in your spare time because I think it is actually quite interesting!

So anyway, I was stunned. I kept telling Nath how odd it was and she laughed everytime. It reminded me of Arizona, though I have never been there. The gorgeous thing about it was that there were all of these warm colors and then contrasted against it were GREEEEEEN, green trees. It looked so pretty! I wanted to steal some sand but there was a patrol officer type of dude. When I picked up the sand on put it on my finger for a picture, he stared at me even though there was a sign that said you could touch it but not take it.

It rained lots and we got soaked. Our feet were freezing cold and soaking wet so after strolling through the streets for a bit after our nature walk, we decided to come back home.

That night they threw me a good bye party. Aka Repas à Départ ou Repas à Adieu. It was lots of fun to have most of the family gathered around for dinner and fun! No bowling this time but lots of laughs and drinks and food! A good time was had by all and when it came to the goodbyes I was feeling okay about it because I know I'll see them again soon.

le dimanche

We got up early and got ready for the day. Around 11 we headed to L'isle sur la Sorgue and went to the market. Its a huge market that winds through all of the streets and side streets! So many venders selling food, jewelery, accessories, housewares, etc. I didn't buy much but I picked up something for my mom and was happy about that!

After we left the market we headed homebound and ate lunch. Nath and Lio went to a friends house for lunch but the kids stayed back. I started packing (just my shoes really) and did some other things around the house. Then, Nath and Lio came home and the five of us went to Lacoste.

Lacoste is a gorgeous town. Nestled in a mountain, it overlooks a valley (sort of). Its quiet, there isn't much there but an old chateau and gorgeous streets. EVERYTHING is stone. Streets, houses, walls...everything. It was really pretty to explore and we spent a good hour there just walking through the streets, admiring.

After we left, we headed home and the night was quiet.

I am going to miss this...

DEMAIN*

dernier jour!

 If you know me well, you know that I absolutely HATE goodbyes...

Today was so hard. It was my last day of school and for soo long I've been saying how it wouldn't be hard to say bye to everyone or anything like that. That was a joke. I cried. Really hard.

Its hard because even though school was sucky, the people were so amazing! All of the people in my class were always so helpful and funny and great! It sucks to say bye to people that you've come to almost love!

In Eco class, secretly everyone wrote little notes to me on a piece of paper. At the end of the class they gave it to me and everyone gave me kisses and wished me good return and good luck in the future. So cute and so touching! I really will never forget the simple moments like that! When I read the paper I bawled- so, so adorable! Its touching to know that  people thought of me the ways they described and they EVERYONE hoped I would come back to see them again! I was just...touched.

After school a bunch of girlfriends took me out for ice cream. SO good! We had soo many laughs and great times in that one hour. I definitely will never forget these sweet people. We took a million pictures and laughed so hard. It was a great last time to be with the people aho have been my best friends here.

After a bunch of girls left it was just us..Les Filles! We walked around town and took so many pictures of us and each other. I know those will be some of my best memories with them. When I said bye to Manon and Camille I bawled and so did they. Its easy to say, " see you soon!" or "I'll come back" or "Come visit me in Canada whenever you want" because you really feel that way and you mean it. But in actuality, you don't know WHEN you'll actually see them again or when you'll come back or when (or even if!) they'll come to Canada. Thats whats so hard about it. I love Manon and Camille as if they were my best friends. Well, they are my french best friends. We became so close and the last couple have days have been the best! I hate to say goodbye to them (for now!!) but I know that we will remain friends for a lifetime to come. These girls made my stay the best ever and I am so thankful to have had them. I owe it to them for the laughter and fun times everyday.

You form bonds with people over a span of three months. Its easy to do that because people are welcoming. Some bonds are tighter than others. Some bonds consist os just looking at eachother and smiling in an understanding way. Some are just looking at each other and laughing at the retard acting out in class or the crazy teacher going off on the class. Some consist of sharing secrets like a real friendship and some consist of laughing together all the time. Bonds can be the kind where two people just sing together and that brings them closer. But no matter xhat, you form some sort of connection with everyone! And so that makes it hard to say bye and give hugs and kisses. Because even though school was so hard and sucky, you still love the people you went with. You still looked forward to seeing them everyday.

I love my class. I love all of kids in the class. My teachers were so supportive. My school was amazing. I'll never, in all of my life to come, forget the people I encountered in my three months here. I am touched by their big hearts and understanding caracters. So, yes, it was hard and I did cry. I am going to miss these people so much and I know I won't forget them. They'll always be my friends in some sort of way even if it is just through my memories.

Its impossible to forget the people that have changed your life forever...

JE VOUS AIME 1 ES 1!!! MERCIIIIII A VOUS♥ je garderai un très beau souvenir et je n'oublierai jamais ces trop beau trois mois avec vous! je vous fais des enormes bisous!

On a side note, I did add my pictures to their computer so I will be adding pictures VERY soon!!

 

 

 

 

4*

aujourd hui

Today was good. Today was definitely needed!

We only had classes until 11 so afterwards Les Filles and I (as well as Chris from The Crew) went to McDo for lunch! It was pouring rain so we stayed there for quite a long time. When we called Nath to see when she could come she told us it wouldn't be until 5. Looking outside we decided there was absolutely no way were walking the good 2 miles back to school. Camille invited the three of us to go to her house and so we agreed that it would be good.

Holy nice house! We walked in and were like, "...woah". Lén had been there before so it wasn't such a shocker. But Chris and I? Stunned for at least a good 10 minutes. Its so modern but so, so lovely. So clean with fine lines and colors that...I don't even know!! It was literally like something you would see in a Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

We ate lots of junk, played Wii, talked and after Chris left we played another game where you have to hum a song and then other people have to try and guess what song. Don't know if you know of Partini but its a game that has mini games inside. It is a party game, you know, that you play at soirées or something...hence the name. We had lots of good laughs with that one!

Afterwards we came home and I've just been chillin' out! It was a good rainy après-midi :)

6*

vraiment....?

I would just like to say...

SERIOUSLY? I HATE volcanos! And natural disasters. And weather that is really stupid because it changes like a girl's mood.

This volcano has ruined my A.Pam's trip to France so I wasn't able to see her. That put me right over the edge. I was sooo upset. Now, it has gone off again and if it stops any plane from France...lets just say you might hear me on the other side of the Atlantic.

So THANK YOU volcano jeiogjezioghzeiogjeozgjzeopgj. Your name is dumb just like the fact that you have erupted ONE too many times. You can stop now though......

tu me manques...

I hate today. I said a few entries ago that I am postive and I am, truly. But today is the one day of the year that I just do not like.

Its four years today. Four years of missing someone in my life. Four years ago today was family was shattered (luckily we were pieced back together through my moms incredible strength and my "new" [just for "clarification"] dad's unending love for us). Four years ago today that my daddy went to heaven. And although his death has given me many opportunites in life, I still miss him. There is still a void. Though the void is not as big as it once was, it is still there. There always will be.

Really, I've begun to move on. I've found happiness and joy again. My dad is a huge help. He's not my daddy and he never will be but he is someone who loves me and my brothers and mom and we love him, too. I have been ucky enough...we have been lucky enough to have him in our lives. It wasn't easy- it still isn't but niether is life! Through loosing my daddy, as heart wrenching as it was, I gained so much.
1) a life time of wisdom. Death just gives you that.
2) More life experiences (hello France)
3) Happiness. Oddly enough, after all of the grief, happiness does come and it is sweeter than before.
And I could write a book on it but I'll spare you of that!

But, no matter what, May 4 is still hard. It's still a day that I dread weeks in advance. Its still a date that I wish neveer existed. It is still a say when I wake up and for a moment I think "It is so hard to breathe today". Still a day that is heavy and horrible. A day that hangs over you like one of those rain clouds you see in cartoons that follows the person. It doesn't much matter where in the world I am- this day still sucks. And rightfully.

I'm not going to spend my day having self pity or wallowing in the the thought of everything. No, I am not like that. I'll distract myslf, do things that make me happy and seek comfort in God. It doesn't mean that it won't be stuck in the back of my mind.

I'm reading a book by the title of It's Your Time. Its by Joel Osteen and I highly recommend this book. Seriously, as soon as your finished here, go buy it. In this book, he recently wrote (or I recently read...whatever floats your boat), "you cannot let a moment of grief become of lifetime of grief". Those words literally leaped off the page and resounded in me. I thought about how right he is, how much sense that makes. You nor I can spend our lives grieiving over something or someone forever. There is SO much to live for, even in the darkest hour. So much to experience. It is okay to be sad for a moment and then..release it.

I'll always miss him. My daddy. I'll always feel a pang of heartache when the thought of him creeps up on me. The 4 of May will always be a little bit harder than the 3 or 5. I will forever wish he were still here. I'll always want to be able to hear his voice just one more time or climb in the chair with him and read. But time passes and we heal a little bit more each day. We cope. I cope. I am still learning, God am I still learning, from this. But I take quiet comfort in knowing that I will see him again. I don't know when, no one does. I feel relief that theres going to be a tomorrow and another and another after that.

His memory, his love and his hope will remain in my heart forever. That I know with 100% certainty.

So, although it is difficult to get through this day- I do it. I do it for the hope of tomorrow and the memory of yesterday. Nothing will ever be able to describe my missing of him - not 1000 words or 50 thousand white butterflies passing by or even 1 picture. That doesn't sufffice it. I just do. He is with me, here in the beautiful France or there in Canada. He comes along, tucked away in my heart, everywhere. And that...that feels okay.

Daddy - Four years has come and one. So quickly. It seems like it was an infinity ago but I still remember it like yesterday. Weird how that works. I will forever miss you. I will forever love you. But you knew that already. You know everything before I do! It is not the same without you but your sweet memory is with me for my lifetime. You will be shared with everyone I know and ever will know. That is how you will live on. I'll be seeing you. Until then, my love always. Tu me manques... 

"Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away." Greys Anatomy

Release it...


*I am very happy to be in France on this day. To have a sister and a family who try to keep my busy and occupied. Who say nice things and do nice things. I am glad for that. I am glad for the distraction for a little bit. I feel him here on this gorgeous day. In the weirdest way, I even feel this intense sense of joy. Its luck that I am here for this. Pure luck. And love. Its always love though :)

7* That is wierd...one week. Just odd...

nouvelle

This weekend was fabulous!

le vendredi

We spent the day in Lyon with the class which was fabulous! It was a bit chilly and overcast but the day was fun! Lyon is a beautiful city and VERY clean. We went to a War Museum about the Resistance which was actually very interesting and definitely sad. Célia met up with us there and she stayed with me during the time and helped explain things as well as help me with the packet we had to complete. Definitely thankful for her!

That night we got back from Lyon around 7 and on the way home, we picked up Renuka! She stayed until after midnight and the four of us girls chitchatted and watched Desperate...basically just shared lots of laughs! We all enjoyed ourselves over Fondue au Chocolat and fruit...sooo yummy! It was the last time any of us would see Ren because she is headed back for Canada today, actually! We are planning to meet up in TO though because she lives right in the city and I live...not far!

le samedi

On Saturday we cleaned all day and that night we went to Will's house. He has a Canadian partner Chris who is part of The Crew so Will and Chris had Léna and I over as well as Randi (another Canadian and part of TC) and then a fex other French friends! It was a great night had by all! My first and only fête française (until next time, that is!) was definitely a success! We left Will's around 1230am and by the time we got all the way back home we crashed!

le dimanche

Yesterday I spent the whole day in the kitchen! I love baking and so I, once again, did some baking for the family. What did I bake, you ask? Oh, you didn't? Too bad, I'm going to tell you ;) I made my famous Chocolate Chip cookies! I even had to wing it and they still turned out fabulous! The batch makes so much dough that I was baking the cookies for about 3 hours! Everyone loved them and the first batch was gone in literally about 1 minute!

Lena and Célia helped me out a little bit but it was mostly me who did it all! Nath and Lio were working on a bunch of stuff for Malaysia this summer(the fam. is going for 5 weeks...so incredibly jealous!!) and Tom was MIA but everyone(except Tom) took a break to have some cookies and milk.

Last night Lio, Léna and I went to see a movie. Green Zone. It wasn't in VO and though I've watched bunches of movies in only French and understood, this was way to difficult. It was about the war in Iraq with Matt Damon and it was good but I can't really give it a godo enoguh rating because I really didn't understand what was happening. I'm sure if I saw it and it was in English, I would have really enjoyed it. I'm into war movies...its odd hahaha.

It was a busy weekend -my favorite! It helps keep my mind going which is good because the last thing I need to do is think!

I will ask you though to please keep myself in your prayers tomorrow. Its going to be an off day and I already have plans to write. I'm doing my best to keep positive but the fact that its 4 years and I have two hours of French with the Devil and two hours of a math test...I'll just be a little off. Also, if you have any prayer requests...the what? 4 of you that read this, please feel free to comment them because I'll be sure to keep them in my prayers! That is a new thing I am starting..leave prayer requests! Thanks in advance!

8*

ennuyeux...

Here's my day to day life which has my explanation in it.

I wake up and I get dressed. I go to school. I get home from school and have a snack. I come upstairs, change into something comfy, and get on the computer. I check for homework which there always is and then I check my email. Occasionally, when I am not feeling lazy, I'll respond to emails or even write one! Then by that time, its dinner time. I eat and if its my night, I clean the kitchen. After that I come back upstairs and I read all of my blogs that I follow and then I write don't write in my blog. Because it is so late by the time I am done reading, I get ready for bed and after that, I go to bed.

I repeat that everyday.

My days are nothing. I am pretty much just living a normal life here that isn't worthy of much!! It has just become like usual! So, I don't write everyday any more because  there isn't much to stay. I mean, there is because I am always thinking and a lot of my thoughts are really great things to write about but they aren't always about France.

I don't think you want to come here and NOT read about France so I just don't write everyday!I certainly COULD write though...if you wanted. To read about it. Things different from France, I mean.

Time is flying. Today is 10 days. I am really starting to get anxious now. It feels weird, too! To think that in just a little over a week I will not be waking up in France everyday is just....weird. I am already stressing about school in Canada, too. Really stressing! I have this huge English seminar due the day I get back to school and its all hard and complicated. So much to do and so little time! Sometimes it needs to just NOT fly by!!

I have to run though, we are going out to a little party with some other canadians tonight! Its a bit of an exchange partner party but not really. I'll be posting pictures soon!! Sorry my blog isn't as interesting as before...

the day i was saved by a breath of wind

It was here. The beauty. The sight. The feeling. I was saved here. I felt clarity. Here....

 My heart is left here forever