Everyday I wake up and think to myself, "REALLY?". Everyday I feel like I am living in a dream. I ask myself if its real. I know I've said this before, but truthfully.
Three months is a longtime. And in the halfway (yes, I am halfway already) I've learned so much about who I am and who others are and...just so much. But not only that, I've found true happiness. I live by happiness. Most people know that if I have a favorite word it is happiness. Well, that and inspiration along with love. Anyway, yes, happiness. And for a long time, too long, I didn't have TRUE happiness. I was happy and I was smiling but I didn't have the feeling of real, honest to God happiness in my stomach.
And then, by some chance, THIS happened to me. I came here. I lived here. I met these people. To be honest though, its a shame that it took 3 months and 8000 miles away from the people I love to find happiness. How does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't, not to you at least. But it does to me. In my head, it makes perfect sense and I can explain it justifiably. My mom, garunteed, will write something about how proud she is of me for becoming who I am while I'm here and then some other things that always make me feel good about myself. I know she will, because that is just who she is. Usually, if I were still home, it would annoy me and piss me off a little bit but because I am here, I feel happy when she does that. THAT is what I don't understand. But then again, I do. It's change. That subject is for another post though, trust me!
Back to happiness. You know, being here has just given me the utter feeling of being happy. I wake up happy and I go to bed happy. Even if it has been a hard day and I'll I've done is feel a little twinge of sadness, I still feel happy at the end of the day. I forgot what true happiness felt like. It seemed so distant, I was always just content. There is a difference between the two, let me tell you.
Happiness has a tendancy to take my breath away. It often leaves me awestruck and feeling quite lucky. Usually, when I feel real happiness, it feels like NOTHING can stop me. I'm aware of everything in my life, the good and bad, and yet I am still happy. Just happy to be...be alive, be lucky, be who I am. Its important to me to know just WHO I AM. I think its important for everyone to know that.
Finding happiness isn't easy. I've heard that the pursuit of happiness isn't enjoyable and that it doesn't really get you to true happiness. I think that maybe thats true. I've been searching so long for happiness and yet I wasn't. I was far from it. I spent SO much time looking for it that I lost sight of everything else- the things that really matter. And now, here I am so far away from home and away from my family and friends but I found it. Again. I'm happy. I'm content, too. But more importantly, I.Am.Happy. I forgot how beautiful it was- this feeling. How fleeting and humbling it was. And it still shocks me, leaves me in awe. To be happy is key but to search for happiness is wrong....
So, how do you find it? I have no clue. I don't even know how I found it here. And, to be honest, who knows if it will last once I leave. I wish I knew how the real feeling of happiness was found but I don't. I just know that when you find it again, its like your soul is reawakened and you're so much more...okay with things. It seems like everyone these days are so unhappy with life and so wistful. Everyone wants more. Not me- not anymore. I'm okay with what I have because somehow, I found it again.
I wish happiness for everyone. The kind that you can feel in your gut- the kind that makes you floaty and feel beautiful. I wish that for you and your family and your friends. We all need a little more happy in our lives. I hope that you find it...soon.
